I know, the common saying is “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” With our invitro cycle, I feel like that’s exactly what happened. As if all 18 of my eggs were in that one basket and it got dropped and each one broke.
To fill you in, our IVF cycle didn’t end as we had hoped. We were given a glimmer of positive news after my first quantitative hCG blood draw, as that test showed I was pregnant! Implantation had occurred, but our numbers were lower than ideal. After a second blood draw, the hCG level had fallen, indicating that this pregnancy had failed.
There is a multitude of things that go into an IVF cycle, so this type of news was crushing and devastating.We knew there was a chance that this could happen, but we put all our eggs in one basket anyways and hoped for the best.
I have been trying to focus on the future and what is next. Thinking about the past is painful, so I’ve got to hold my head high and know that one day we will receive our miracle.
Here are a few thoughts that have been racing through my head these last couple of days as I process this loss and look towards the future.
*Technically, I have now carried 5 babies and lost them all. This hurts. But, what is the cause? Is it genetics? Do mine and my husband’s genetic make-up not work together? Or, is it me? Is my body unable to sustain a life within?
*Taking a break. Yes, a break is in order. Basically, our entire married life has revolved around producing a child. It’s been stressful and difficult. We need to take a step back from all of this chaos and focus on each other and our love for one another. I am unsure of the length of this break. It might be a few months or it might be a year or more. It’s scary to me to put this journey in hold. The longer it’s on hold, the longer it will be before we can hold a baby in our arms. But, we need a break for sanity as well as financially.
*It’s seeming like we will be pursuing options where our child may not have our DNA. It might sound bad, but it’s hard to switch gears and to think that our child wouldn’t look like us. They wouldn’t be tall and thin like my husband or have my blue eyes. I’m certain we would love them the same, but it’s just something I’ve been thinking about. We have been discussing a few different avenues of adoption, including infant adoption and a snowflake baby (embryo adoption).
* I feel thankful. (Might seem a little odd after deal with all of this, but I do.) I feel especially thankful for all of the love and support we have as we ride through this journey of infertility. We have so many wonderful people in our lives that have let us know that they are here for us. A simple hug from a friend or a conversation that gives me hope seems to keep me going. I’m also so thankful that even if I can’t have a child of my own right now, I still get to spend each day with such a bright group of kiddos in my daycare. Their smiles and and snuggles these last few days have made life much easier.
Although, we are going through a rough patch, we won’t be giving up. We will be continuing our journey towards parenthood. We have an appointment towards the end of the month with our fertility doctor. Looking forward to getting answers to our many questions and with his guidance deciding what the next steps will be.
Thank you for your continued support and prayers.