I just finished reading all of my journal entries from this time last year… I couldn’t get through the pages with dry eyes. I so vividly remember my feelings on July 6th, 2015. We had celebrated the 4th of July with our families up north. I tried to keep my composure through the weekend, but with heavy bleeding and cramping it was difficult. This bleeding and cramping had been going on for a month and as horrible as this sounds, I was ready for it to be over with. As much as we wanted a baby, having a natural miscarriage was very painful and stressful and I just wanted it to stop. I wanted my life to return back to normal, I wanted to feel good. On July 6th after passing a large clot/fetal tissue all of the bleeding stopped and for the first time in over a month all of the cramping and pain stopped. I knew it was over… it was as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. The following day we had an appointment and an ultrasound that confirmed that the miscarriage had happened on its own and that my uterus was empty. I so wanted this pregnancy to work. I wanted those babies. But, at the same time I had a sense of relief. The last 2.5 months were full of crazy emotions — each appointment seemed to have new and challenging information. Finally, all of that came to a close on July 6th.
Throughout our miscarriage I had so many questions…why me? why us? why would the lord take such precious innocent lives? We had been trying for so long to conceive and were so thrilled. Then our world came crashing down. After an entire year of reflection, I feel that I have been able to answer those questions that had me so confused.
Me, because I am strong. I was able to push through this hard time in my life and am forever changed. I feel like I view the world in a different way. I value the gift of life more than ever before. After opening up about my miscarriage, I found out about other women that have experienced miscarriages as well. Its not something that you just tell people when you first meet, but I was surprised to know that some friends of mine had gone through a loss as well. This made me feel less alone and also strengthened my friendship with these other women. Also, by starting this blog, I feel that I can share my story in hopes that it will help someone else. Miscarriage is a topic that no one wants to discuss, I found that out first hand. Many close family/friends never brought it up to us or said anything. Inside, we were struggling and our miscarriage felt like it was taking over our world. Meanwhile, we would see family and friends that knew of our loss and they didn’t say anything. I’m sure a lot of it was in fear of saying the “wrong” thing, but at the time, we needed support in any way, shape or form. If you know of someone who has been through a loss, be sure to support them. Simply telling them you are sorry and letting them know you are there if they need anything could make the difference. If any of you that are reading this are experiencing a loss, feel free to reach out to me personally. I would be happy to talk with you and support you in any way.
What did my husband and I do to deserve this? It was hard on our relationship, as any stressful life event would be. We had different emotions and different feelings surrounding our loss which at times made it hard to have open conversations about it. In the end, we are much stronger than we were before. We have a deeper trust and understanding of one another. We saw each other at a very low point in our lives and were able to raise each other up and continue life together hand in hand. This proved that we needed one another. We needed to support one another and that together we would make it through, and we did. It’s hard to put into words how something like this can change your relationship and your marriage, but in a way, I am thankful for the strength this gave us.
Why would the Lord take such precious innocent lives?
I don’t have the full answer for this. I do know that God has a plan for everything. I envision our unborn children up in the perfect world of heaven and that gives me a sense of peace. I pray for our unborn children often and I think that this experience has brought me closer to God. At first, I was hating God. I felt so betrayed. Now, I know that it all happened for a reason and I have healed so much over this last year. I continue to look to God to answer our prayers and give us a child, and I believe that one day he will. As it states in Exodus 14:14: “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” The Lord has a plan, you just need to be patient and he will deliver the desires of your heart.
Shortly after our miscarriage, I started looking for something, preferably a piece of jewelry to remember this life event. I don’t think I will ever forget it, but I just wanted something to symbolize these hard times we went through. I found this necklace on Etsy (https://www.etsy.com/shop/RachelleismsShop) and it was perfect. It gives me such a sense of strength when I wear it. I have been asked a time or two about it and sometimes I share what it symbolizes and other times I do not, it just depends on my mood that day.
The woman who created the necklace included this poem with it. I still have this posted on my fridge because it is so spot on and super thoughtful.
The world may never notice if a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom, or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms, or ever comes to be touches the world in some small way for all eternity.
The little one we long for was swiftly here and gone. But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty, our hearts know what to do. Every beating of our hearts says that we love you.