Those that have dealt with infertility, know that in some ways it sort of “takes over” your life. Of course, its not a serious illness where I am unable to work, etc., but I am affected by it Every. Single. Day. I want to share some of my everyday struggles with you:
Out for dinner with friends and family– sounds fun right?! Of course, I enjoy time spent with our friends and family. Whether us ladies are getting together for dinner or we are gathering around the campfire as couples we always have a great time. I will say, that to my knowledge none of my close friends are/have experienced infertility first hand and they all have children of their own. Naturally, conversations often involve talking about their children, leaving early to get kids home for bed, and the dreaded “just wait until you have kids…” I understand that children can be a lot of work, but we would absolutely love and would do anything we could to have a family of our own. I know as a parent, you sacrifice things for your children and even though you love them with all your heart, its easy to complain about the sleepless nights and sassy toddlers. Usually my husband and I agree with friends and family that some of those things may not be “fun,” but we would love to be given the opportunity to experience those wonderful aspects of childhood first hand.
My job– I am a daycare provider, so I spend my day with 8-10 children currently aging from 7 weeks to 5 years old. I absolutely love my job. The kiddos brighten my days and while caring for them, I realize even more so how I can’t wait to have a child of my own. Seeing first hand how much their parents love them, make my heart ache for a child to call my own. Until then though, I get to snuggle little babies, kiss ‘owies’ and watch these children grow and learn each day which is so rewarding.
Holidays with family– we live just over 3 hours away from most of our family. I have 1 brother and 2 sisters and my husband has 1 sister. All of our siblings have children– we have 11 nieces and nephews which we love dearly. But, sometimes family gatherings can be a little uncomfortable. We often go to our parents’ houses for the holidays and have large family gatherings with everyone. So many holidays seem to be centered around children that it can make these times difficult. In our family the children get Christmas gifts, there is an Easter egg hunt on Easter, each child has a birthday party, etc. I know I often feel a little left out because we don’t have any little ones to take part in these traditions. This last Christmas was extra difficult because our triplets would have been due right around Christmas. I remember trying my hardest to put a smile on my face for the church going, gift opening and family time, but it was difficult and I had to take a few breaks in the bathroom to let the tears flow. This Easter, we ended up just spending the day at our home rather than joining in with family. It seemed easier to be at home and like it was any other “usual” day, rather than spending time with family watching all of the children in their Easter church outfits gathering Easter eggs. It sounds horrible, but sometimes it is easier to deal with the stress and sadness by avoiding the things that make those feeling stronger.
Shopping– yes, shopping. I can’t walk past the baby section at Target or Walmart without admiring how cute the little clothes are. I’m always so tempted just to buy an outfit in hopes that one day my little one can wear it. I also seem to run into pregnant women while I am shopping. Again, I just long to have that protruding belly bump. I wonder what it feels like to have a little one wiggling inside your womb? I apologize to the pregnant mothers that I see– because often times I tend to stare and often daydream of walking in your shoes.
Even spending time with my Husband– The other night we were cuddled up and I couldn’t help but to stare at him and think “you are going to be the best dad.” I see him playing with our nieces, nephews, daycare children and I want in the worse way to give him a child of his own. He has so much love to give and I just cant wait to see him playing with our children and teaching them things.
Meeting New People– Of course, its habit to ask “How many kids do you have” when meeting someone new. I feel like especially because I do daycare that is reason for people to assume that we have children of our own. My response is usually always the same “someday we will have kids of our own.” I always stay calm, but sometimes I really want to tell people the truth! I want to tell them that we have been trying to start a family for 2.5 years. I want to tell them that we did conceive once with triplets, but unfortunately lost them. I want to share all of those things, but each time I answer with the same “someday” response.
Appointments– On average I have 3-4 appointments per month. (That’s almost 1 per week!!) So, opening daycare late has become something that I have to do to quite regularly. I have to drive about 45 minutes to my monitoring appointments and 2.5 hours for appointments with our RE. I feel horrible about having to close my daycare to attend these appointments, but at this time, it’s just what I have to do. I made the decision to continue this journey, full knowing that I would have to take time off often.
Medications– I can’t forget that I am on this journey when I have to take medications 3x per day. I have to remember to bring them with me if I will be out of the house when I’m needing to take them. If we are going on a trip, I pack my cooler with my medications. It’s not the end of the world, but yes, it is a little inconvenient. And some of the time my medications make me feel a little under the weather. Depending on the day, I may feel extra tired, bloated, nauseous, sore muscles from injections and emotional. No part of these medications is enjoyable.
I don’t want to sound like I am complaining here, but just want to give you some insight into everyday living with the condition of infertility. Those of you that are on this same journey, know that you are not alone. There are others out there that struggle everyday. Also, to those that have not experienced infertility, I hope that this can give you a little bit of insight as to how much it can “take over” your everyday life. If I could forget all of these feelings of want, jealousy, and sadness I would, but unfortunately, I cant. All I can do is wait and stay hopeful that we will one day be blessed with a little miracle of our own.